i just spent the last hour crying so hard that i started hyperventilate. i need you back. i want you back. fall in love with me again. pls baby. i have never felt SO broken in my life. worse than it was with alisha. i can’t handle this, i can’t handle knowing that you feel nothing for me now, that you once used to be in love with me. i want that all back and it can happen. just try. long distance is hard and both of us have to work on things. it can happen we just have to work at it. its harder now because of the distance but if we both work at this, it can work. you are my everything still and i feel SO shatter inside that you don’t feel the same way. my chest gets tight just thinking about it and you because the girl i loved the most is in arms reach and i can’t get grab at you. it takes work to make a long distance relationship work alex, everyone knows that. we can do it. i will work on things to make it better and you can too. i am willing to move there after i am finished with sait if you just try with me. make this work again. it’s worth it.

you are worth to me…am i worth it too you?

i know i made a mistake in the past but everyone does. i wouldnt be human if i didn’t. i have never felt so horrible about myself about what happened and i will never forgive myself for letting it happen. i want to do anything and everything to fix it alex. i need you in my life in a more than friends way. i am so in love with you. i need you, i want you. we can make it work. i will work on things to make it better. i will do whatever it takes. it WILL be better. you just have to take a chance.

i love you so much. i can’t even believe how much i love you. and now that you are gone, it feels like a bomb went off inside of me and killed everything that feels. i feel lost and broken and i feel like am the most horrible person alive. pls don’t tell me that you are not right for me or that i will find someone better. i HAVE found that person. that person is you. you were unexpected, just came out of nowwhere and blew me off my feet. you don’t get that a lot, sometimes not at all. i can’t lose it. and i know somewhere inside of you that you feel the same way too. pls don’t run from it. theres no way you can fall out of love with someone within a week.

i want you back alex. the way it used to be. it can work. all you have to do is try. i just…i love you so much. i can’t imagine my life without you. i know you don’t want to do that marriage and kids stuff. and we don’t have too. if it means that i can and will be with you, then i will do it. you just mean to much to me that i can’t live without you. please alex. if i was worth it to you…you’d at least think it over…i’d do anything for you. i will move there, i will climb a mountain and scream my love for you if thats what it would take. it can’tbe over yet. it just can’t be. its hard to believe that a strong love that lasted a good chunk of long distance went to the shitter within a week. it just can’t be true.

i love you alex. im IN love with you. i need you. i want you. pls don’t turn away from this. pls don’t run. i’m right here.

i would do anything to make it better because i know its something i can’t take back.

i would give up anything that had the most value to me if it meant you would be mine again.

there’s nothing i want more in world then for you to feel okay and happy again.

i hate that i hurt you so much. it kills me inside.

i hate that i became the very person i never ever wanted to be and treated the girl i love the most, out of every person i’ve date, like someone who had no feelings.

i hate myself and everything little particle in me for allowing myself to do what i did.

i hate the past few days because now they are permanently scarred into our lives.

i hate that you lost trust in me and that you are afraid feel the way you once did.

i hate that i am the cause of all your pain right now.

i just hate myself and everything i did and i deserve every consequence that i have felt and all of  the ones that are still come. but i promise you on everything i own, everything i feel, everything that means something to me that it will never happen again. that i will NEVER treat the one person who means the most to me in my life, the way i treated you lately. never again.

i promise you with everything i am.

we can’t talk often or when i get hesitant about what i can and can’t say to you or when i can say it. i know we are starting over and going slow it just sometimes i feel sad when i want to say /doing things but i become hesitant in saying/doing them. i want to send you random text messages you love that make you smile but i don’t know if i’m allowed do that right now. just a little while ago i had 3 random things i wanted to tell you but i held back texting because of the taking it slow thing we agreed on.

when i see you, i want to be able to hug you and kiss you knowing that you want me too. i want to be able to show you that affection that i have been holding in for so long. so please sweets. when and if i do it, don’t be taken back or become upset by my choice to, it’s been inside me for so long and i’ve been longing to let it out. and inside, i know you feel the same way too.

btw, are you going to put your necklace back on?? :(

i miss you so so so much. and i know that when i see you, i don’t think i can hold that affection in.

im just letting you know.  :)

i love you always.

-k

what i wouldn’t give to erase the past few days.

if only we could have held out for ten more days. just ten more and i would have been there and everything would have been okay. we could have cuddled and spent time together and gone back to just being us, we could have washed away the stress of the distance.

but it went too far. i can forgive you, i know you had your reasons for saying what you did and reacting the way you did. i know you aren’t perfect, no one is. i forgive you. but i can’t be with you after that. if it happens once it could happen again and i am not going to let it happen again, i deserve more respect than that. everyone deserves more respect than that, it’s not just me, it’s that you just can’t talk to people that way.

i love you. i want us to be able to be in each other’s lives and be friends but i understand that that might not happen for a while. i never wanted to hurt you, all i want is for you to be happy and it’s taking everything in me not to just fix things. but i just can’t. i’m sorry.

i’m always going to be here for you whenever you need me. please know that.

maybe things got out of hand. maybe i am not the greatest girlfriend ever. maybe we don’t have the same beliefs. maybe sometimes our tempers’ get the best of us. it happens. 

there’s nothing i can say that will defend me in any way and perhaps change your mind on things. its a thing i have where i fuck up. i always do. i didn’t mean to “manipulate” you, though it may seem that i had tried. it was not my intention. i just want to make sure you saw what you wanted to happen. that is all. i dont agree with it. but it makes you happy. and ultimately you in my life makes me happy. 

i want to take back the last 2 days and handle it better than i had. i handled it in the most shittiest way possible and i want to do those days over again. you mean so much to me alex. i never wanted to disrespect you. i just felt attacked and so i defended myself. perhaps not in the smartest way possible but i just reacted on impulse.

you are entitled to your beliefs and opinions and as am i. i want to take back what i said because you are right, it’s not my place to decide what you can or can’t do your body and your life. that is your choice and your choice only. 

i suck at this and i can only hope you can give me another chance because everything i said about loving you and wanting you in my life and wanting to marry you and have a kid with you is all true. i meant every word. to tell you the truth, i really can’t see myself without you. i feel like i just lost a huge part of me in the past hour and i haven’t felt this shitty and depressed in a long time. 

whatever you decide i will support you. and i will always love you. i miss you soooo much and i really am excited for you to be here. i hope i still get to be apart of it. 

i love you always sweets. you are my sunshine.

sometimes all i really want is to stay up really late talking to you. skype, on the phone, whatever. like how we used to stay up until one or two in the morning talking because we just completely lost track of time. there are always so many things i want to say to you, so many things i want to tell you about and talk to you about all the time, but by the time we end up talking i feel so discouraged from saying them just because of telephones and miscommunications and how i mumble without meaning to. i guess that’s why this is hard. because i have things i want to say to you and i just can’t bring myself to say them. like i wanted to tell you about how kitkat is getting really sick, how he’s on medicine now for his joints and he can’t jump on stuff, and how it makes me really sad to hear about it because i’m not there to cuddle him. or how in my women’s studies class we were talking about systems of oppression and how everyone participates in them, what matters is just how you choose to participate. or how this poet guy, duncan campbell scott, wrote all these sad poems about how the natives were basically this blood-thirsty but disappearing race, but his day job was working for the canadian government to assimilate natives into the european culture (rather than allowing theirs to flourish alongside the immigrant culture) so basically he was facilitating the disappearance of their culture because he believed it couldn’t or shouldn’t be saved. or how my roommate josh is this like cool punk hippie guy and even though his roommate habits drive me crazy i still think he’s a neat person but he reminds me of this guy i knew in junior high who turned out to be really psychotic. just all these random interesting things about my day. sometimes i feel like you’re too tired to hear about it or i’m just too tired to communicate properly and there’s just no energy in either of us to put in any effort right now.

it’s scary for me because we’re already so far apart physically, i don’t want that distance to become an emotional thing too. i guess that’s kind of why i started this blog, so that we could still say things even when we don’t necessarily have the time or the energy for conversations. and yet we don’t really write in here anymore either.

did i do the wrong thing by moving away? is this distance my fault? i feel like i fucked everything up by doing what felt right at the time but has turned out to be a really bad idea. i feel like all the best parts of what we have together are slowly disintegrating. like our abilities to tell each other everything or how we’ve made the distance feel okay by talking as often as possible. i miss seeing your face, even if only over skype. i miss your freckles, your beautiful eyes, that mouth i love to kiss. i miss your voice, hearing your ideas about everything, the way you get so into things and you talk about them really passionately. i just want to be able to sit down with you and have a real conversation about life, about us, about what’s on your mind, anything and everything. not these miniature conversations where all we’re really doing is checking in with each other.

but i can hear you getting fed up with me on the other end of the phone and the way you get frustrated with my weakness, with how pathetic and far-away i sound, with how i mumble. i’m trying to be strong but sometimes it’s hard, especially this weekend, when i’m not just missing you, i’m also really missing my family because normally i would be spending this time with them. i feel really stupid because i chose this and i can’t remember anymore why it seemed like the right choice.

i don’t know. i just miss you. i wish i could come home already.

call me a geek but i am so insanely excited to want to go to Mount Royal University. Anthropology is one of the things i’ve always wanted to take and if i knew i was able to take something like this in past when i was just graduating high school, i would have taken it already. lame. BUT it gets me excited.

i also miss you to death and i can’t wait to visit you!!!! mmmmmmmmm

call me later. i love you.

-k