sometimes all i really want is to stay up really late talking to you. skype, on the phone, whatever. like how we used to stay up until one or two in the morning talking because we just completely lost track of time. there are always so many things i want to say to you, so many things i want to tell you about and talk to you about all the time, but by the time we end up talking i feel so discouraged from saying them just because of telephones and miscommunications and how i mumble without meaning to. i guess that’s why this is hard. because i have things i want to say to you and i just can’t bring myself to say them. like i wanted to tell you about how kitkat is getting really sick, how he’s on medicine now for his joints and he can’t jump on stuff, and how it makes me really sad to hear about it because i’m not there to cuddle him. or how in my women’s studies class we were talking about systems of oppression and how everyone participates in them, what matters is just how you choose to participate. or how this poet guy, duncan campbell scott, wrote all these sad poems about how the natives were basically this blood-thirsty but disappearing race, but his day job was working for the canadian government to assimilate natives into the european culture (rather than allowing theirs to flourish alongside the immigrant culture) so basically he was facilitating the disappearance of their culture because he believed it couldn’t or shouldn’t be saved. or how my roommate josh is this like cool punk hippie guy and even though his roommate habits drive me crazy i still think he’s a neat person but he reminds me of this guy i knew in junior high who turned out to be really psychotic. just all these random interesting things about my day. sometimes i feel like you’re too tired to hear about it or i’m just too tired to communicate properly and there’s just no energy in either of us to put in any effort right now.
it’s scary for me because we’re already so far apart physically, i don’t want that distance to become an emotional thing too. i guess that’s kind of why i started this blog, so that we could still say things even when we don’t necessarily have the time or the energy for conversations. and yet we don’t really write in here anymore either.
did i do the wrong thing by moving away? is this distance my fault? i feel like i fucked everything up by doing what felt right at the time but has turned out to be a really bad idea. i feel like all the best parts of what we have together are slowly disintegrating. like our abilities to tell each other everything or how we’ve made the distance feel okay by talking as often as possible. i miss seeing your face, even if only over skype. i miss your freckles, your beautiful eyes, that mouth i love to kiss. i miss your voice, hearing your ideas about everything, the way you get so into things and you talk about them really passionately. i just want to be able to sit down with you and have a real conversation about life, about us, about what’s on your mind, anything and everything. not these miniature conversations where all we’re really doing is checking in with each other.
but i can hear you getting fed up with me on the other end of the phone and the way you get frustrated with my weakness, with how pathetic and far-away i sound, with how i mumble. i’m trying to be strong but sometimes it’s hard, especially this weekend, when i’m not just missing you, i’m also really missing my family because normally i would be spending this time with them. i feel really stupid because i chose this and i can’t remember anymore why it seemed like the right choice.
i don’t know. i just miss you. i wish i could come home already.
